Every day, we are told in some way, “Cupcake, you’re Number Too.” Today I will explain why this is great, and how to accept yourself so you can realize this and share your greatness with the world. Continue reading Hey, Cupcake, You’re A Too (Why this is great, and how to accept yourself)
All sorts of mental health experts tell us we need to let go of the past in order to move onto the future. I completely agree. Except, well, except for when I disagree, like right now. This time, I can’t let go, and I argue that sometimes it IS OK to hold on to our past. Continue reading I Just Can’t Let You Go, Cupcake! (Sometimes, it IS OK to hold on to our past)
Most experts agree that a child’s most important years for development are the first eight years of a child’s life. Thank God that I was bathed in love during that time in my life, or I may have chosen a much different path than the one I am on now. I was loved, so I know love. And it was forgiveness, my ability to remember how to love, that eventually saved me. Click To Tweet Continue reading Who’s sorry now, cupcake? (Forgiveness: Remembering how to Love)
I’m in morning traffic, minding my own cupcake business in my little two-inch convertible. I watch as a blasted Yukon cuts in my lane, no blinker or signal, and barely misses my headlight. I am not happy about it. Then she slams on the breaks. This is usually the part where most people honk or give a specific finger to the offending driver in the sleek-looking minivan on steroids. I am somewhat annoyed, but not angry. I’m focused on my sense of balance, my ethos, my ego, and what serves me most. Right now, what serves me most is forgiving someone’s unconscious transgression, so I forgive the horrible driver and continue singing off-beat on my way to work.
In future blogs, I promise to discuss different types of forgiveness with an added bonus of an infographic (whoo-hoo). However, today I just need to explain the simplest of problems that cause us to harbor our injured feelings, which sabotages our happiness. First, let me give a simple definition of ethos. Ethos is appealing to people’s ethics to convince them how to see or think of us. It is the image that we portray to those around us, with the specific intent on how we want others to “see” or characterize us. How we construct our ethos depends on the difference between someone seeing us as credible or unreliable, identifying us as having integrity and morals or fraudulent. This is huge with public figures, and this is what people attack first when they want to smear someone in the public’s eye (think politicians, actors, and news anchors).
Our ego usually helps to form our ethos. As Mikhail Bahktin and other behavior biologists have claimed, when we interact with people and we gauge how they relate to us or judge us (usually through their verbal and nonverbal body language and eye contact), we translate this information and use it to help us strengthen our persona. We use information from others to further perpetuate our image, whether we want it to be heroic or villainous. Our ego tells us when our efforts are working, and our ego also tells us when our plan needs serious help.
SIDENOTE: The ego has one job, and that is to protect us. To protect us, the ego prefers to keep things pretty much in a loop; as long as things stay the same, the ego knows how to react. When we change things (go for a higher-paying job, move to a new state, start a new relationship), the ego panics. So, to put it mildly, our ego perceives things in a way that serves our ego. What we think is true, may not actually be true. Our ego motivates us to create our specific ethos, and our ego does not like change. At all.
Let me repeat, just so I am as clear as mud: the ego is not trustworthy. It serves a purpose that is not necessarily helpful to your true desire or goal. So, when a person attacks us, is she attacking us, or is that person attacking our ethos? This is actually easy to answer. If someone is attacking me, the end result will be bruises or torn clothing or blood. If someone is attacking my ethos, my ego screams at me and then I feel hurt because I have somehow been wronged.
And remember the kicker here: I may not have been “wronged” at all. Someone has done something (cut me off in traffic and almost hurt my cute little car), or not done something (did not use her blinker, didn’t even wave a polite “thank you” to me), that my ego has perceived as an act of treason. The person committing the betrayal may be totally unconscious of her actions. After all, her ego is protecting her, and she may not even know it (if you know someone like this, get her to this blog ASAP!).
A friend once told me, “It’s easy to forgive when someone genuinely apologizes. It’s when they don’t apologize that it becomes hard. You say you forgive, but there’s this weight of some invisible enemy on your heart, and how do you move an enemy that isn’t even real in the first place?”
Well, here’s to removing invisible enemies so you can free your heart to forgive and love in your own little cupcake way.
- Decide if you are truly injured, or if you are mentally betrayed. If you are injured, seek medical help and read my blog next week. If you feel betrayed, note to yourself that this is your ego. Become mentally aware, and just pay attention to your thoughts.
- As you pay attention to your thoughts, REMAIN NONJUDGMENTAL. Let your thoughts move around your head, and simply recognize them for what they are; the ego’s way of dealing with a threat to your ethos. Breathe deeply, and just relax as you practice your mental awareness. Continue until you notice the thoughts slowing down. Keep breathing. You are not trying to do anything specific to these thoughts; you are only noticing them. This may take some time if you have never done this exercise before, so be patient. The thoughts will slow down as you breathe and acknowledge them. It will take as long as it takes.
- When you notice yourself calm and the thoughts have slowed down to just one or two main ideas, thank your ego for pointing out the threats to your ethos. Express serious gratitude, then tell your ego to take a break. Yes, I mean serious gratitude, as in you mean it, and it is a deep thankfulness. Your ego is not going to fall out of your head, so just tell it to relax and take a siesta. Keep breathing calmly and slowly.
- When you feel your ego “relax,” turn to your inner voice (some people refer to this as an angel, the Holy Spirit, one of the Arch Angels, the list is endless). This is the voice you hear when your mind is still, in the realm of no mind, and this is your true self. (Clueless? Click here for an explanation of “no mind.”) Now, ask yourself these questions:
Is this anger or pain serving my best interest? Is it helping me attain my goal? Is it in line with my personal values? If the answer is “no,” then you need to let it go. Click To Tweet
Is this anger or pain serving my best interest? Is it helping me attain my goal? Is it in line with my personal values? If the answer is “no,” then you need to let it go.
Andy Shaw, creator of a Bug Free Mind, reminds us that “Humans are not static,” so you only move toward your goal, or away from your goal. This is your choice. Remember, the brain can only hold anger on its own for 90 seconds. After the 90 seconds, you have made a conscious decision to continue. Since the Yukon incident is not taking me toward my goal, there is no point in me holding a grudge against her, especially since she probably did not even see my car, which is small enough to fit into her tank of a back seat.
- A friend of mine has one rule written in her kitchen: “you cannot hold a grudge if you do not let the person know how you feel.” If you still feel agitated in some way, then you need to at least give the disloyal wench a chance to apologize. If she chooses not to express regret, well, then, maybe she was not a true friend after all. You can joyously choose to move on, as now there will be no guilt on your end.
- Not done blowing off your enemy yet? If she is a friend, and you are too chicken to talk to her (or him), then Doc Childre and Deborah Rozman suggest practicing an act of gratitude. In their book Transforming Anger: The Heartmath Solution for Letting Go of Rage, Frustration, and Irritation, Childre and Rozman invite you to go into your mind, and think of all the wonderful things this friend has done for you. Remember how those actions felt, and try to find one memory that stimulates a strong, positive emotional reaction. Stay in this powerful feeling of gratitude, and while you are in this mood, shift your memory over to the incident that bothered you. Let your sense of gratitude and love for your friend relax over the agitation, and picture your positive feelings recoloring or re-imaging the negative memory until the memory no longer causes a reaction. Again, do not rush this process. This will take as long as it takes, so just relax and enjoy the process.
- Still holding onto your resentment? Good grief, cupcake! You and I are so much alike! HA! So, I tell you what to do. Get up from your computer and go for a walk. Get outside and smell the roses. Why? Because after all the hard work you have done, you need to stretch your legs and get some fresh oxygen. While you walk, pay attention to the sound of your feet, the feel of the wind or the sun on your body, and the smells that enter your nose. When you return home, if you do not feel better, get your car keys and go find yourself a cupcake of your choice. You should celebrate your ability to hold emotions for longer than the average bear.
And read my next blog. It actually goes deeper into forgiveness, since this is such a hard topic for some, and I have barely touched the surface of our minds (evil laughter here).
So, what do you do to forgive someone’s unconscious transgression? Feel free to share, as this may help someone else reading this, and you are sending out a Karmic boomerang!
Let me know if you have had one of these days. You feel like the world is out to get you. Nothing goes right. Your clothes don’t fit. You feel fat. You feel stupid.Nobody cares about you. If you were really a good person, everything would go right for you. And then my all-time favorite question: ever have the day where you ask, “Why me?”
Usually, this is the time where someone says, “God is working on you.” Maybe they are correct. Maybe you need to learn patience, or humility, or kindness. This is the case most of the time. It’s an easy enough concept, right? Sometimes when things go wrong, God (or Source, or the universe) is working on you. But not always. Continue reading Sometimes, Cupcake, it isn’t always about YOU
Last week I read a post from one of my former tennis players. She was upset about the riots and was expressing her opinion, which was rather hateful and insensitive. She is now in her late twenties, old enough to know her mind and speak for herself. I felt completely shock as I read her words, then I gave in to the pain of heartache and sadness as I acknowledged her (unconscious, I am sure) decision to help perpetuate the hatred that seems ridiculously easy to spread. There sure seems to be a huge amount of hatred on this Earth. Hate for people of different color, hate for people who practice different religions, hate for people from other countries, hate for people who eat their boogers in public (OK, I may be in that particular hate group, definitely icky); basically, if you look for them, you can pretty much find hate groups for everything now. So, I’ve been thinking. Newton’s Third Law of Physics states that for every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction. If it is so easy to spread hatred, can it be that easy to spread love? Continue reading You Deserve a Hug, Cupcake! (Applying Newton’s Third Law of Physics)
I have a friend who volunteered to help the psychology department in their study of willful blindness. In one part of the experiment, she was given a seriously horrible picture (it was an extremely graphic murder scene that not even the horror movie writers could describe). The picture was hidden underneath twenty sheets of thin paper, like onion paper or tracing paper, and all she could see on the top was a gray shadow. She was to remove one sheet at a time, look at the shadow for 30 seconds, and if she could tell what the picture was, she was to tell the administrator and stop. If she could not identify the image in the picture, she was instructed to remove the next sheet of paper and study it for 30 seconds. This would continue until she could recognize what she was seeing. “I swear,” she told me, “the closer I got to the picture, the more blurry it became. I could not for the life of me figure it out.” She was almost to the actual photograph when she knew what they had given her. She said she actually screamed and dropped the assignment. It had taken her eighteen pages, because her brain had refused to see what it knew would upset her and possibly give her nightmares. So how do we avoid this willful blindness? How do we work with our brain so that it stops being such a scaredy-cat and helps motivate us toward our goals instead? Well, my friend, here’s a list of 10 ways you can overcome fear and be the successful cupcake kind of person that you deserve to be. Continue reading Don’t be Such a Scaredy-Cat, Cupcake! (10 Ways To Help Your Mind Overcome Its Fear)
It always amazes me when I have a new client and ask her how she wants me to help. “To get better.” I always have to encourage them to go further into their heads and think of something more specific. To save your reading time, I will tell you that the goals usually end up similar to this: I want to be a Champ/Super Champ, I want to be number one on the middle school team, I want to be in the top six on the varsity team, I want to beat (name) in my next challenge match. Once we get to this point, it becomes easier for them to learn the benefit of setting clear goals. Clear goals are easier to achieve. Continue reading What Do You Really Want, Cupcake? (The Benefit of Setting Clear Goals)
…That You Failed. (Why the Laws of Attraction Seem To Reject Some People.)
Ever had a day that started out bad, then got worse? Why do the Laws of Attraction seem to reject some people, and bless others beyond belief? Is it karma, or penance for unconfessed sins? Has the Goddess Fortune returned from mythology to teach us about fate, or is it all just dumb luck? Or is it something that we actually manifest ourselves, as mind experts suggest? Continue reading Dear Cupcake, After Careful Consideration, We Regret To Inform You…
There are five brain waves that help humans function throughout our lives. Each has a specific purpose, and when they all work together, life is a fabulous cupcake. When they don’t, they create problems within our bodies and environment. Don’t despair; here’s a quick explanation of our brain waves, why this matters, and what you can do about them. Continue reading What Were You Thinking, Cupcake? (A Quick Explanation of Our Brain Waves, Why This Matters, and What You Can Do about Them)